V Mc B

Archive for March, 2009

Strategic Strategy Update: Getting me a Bird

Friends, I require a bird.

Yes, I have the cardinals and blue jays and the little brown guys, but do they live in my house? Do they sit on my shoulder? Do they dance with me and swear at the dog? No. No, they do not.

You are probably aware of my illustrious reputation as a bird philanthropist, given my boundless generosity with pancakes, chips, and noodles — not to mention my costly seed habit and my valiant attempt to donate to the Audubon Society (it’s the thought that counts, guys!). So I have decided that bird ownership shall be an extension of my philanthropic efforts — one that my boyfriend will not possibly have the heart (or legal recourse) to disagree with.

My options are twofold:

1. Bird rescue. Were you aware that many beautiful exotic birds are trapped in abusive homes? It is true! Many deadbeats view these spectacular creatures as vanity pets, just another costly and attractive item that looks lovely next to the mantle. Others are downright cruel, and beat their parrots senselessly if they say the wrong thing.* If my bird philanthropy moves you to tears (and I don’t doubt that it does), get a load of these guys. Foster Parrots is one of many fine organizations nationwide that can help me turn my selfish desire for a bird that my boyfriend doesn’t want into a selfless act of pure kindness that brings humanity one step closer to godliness.


Foolproof? Sadly, not entirely. Said boyfriend would still be legally allowed to say “hell NO” if he so desired. Enter Option the Second!

2. Bird bequeathment. Friends, birds live for a long-ass time.** Did you know that many old people seek out birds for companionship?* It is TRUE!* Move over, cats, because parrots are swooping in (quite literally) to take your place at the bedsides of elderly people everywhere. There is a problem with this, however. If you are an elderly person with a bird, it’s almost certain that said bird will outlive you. So then what do you do? Pass it on to your daughter and son-in-law whose 5 kids will probably fingerpaint on it? Give it to your nephew Hank who is almost certainly a stoner but you’re too senile to realize it? You might as well send it right to Foster Parrots and eliminate the middle man … OR, bequeath it to me.

That’s right. Put me in your will. I don’t want your money. In fact, I’m willing to pay YOU.

Now, we have a legally binding contract stating that I will take in your bird at your last dying request. I will give it a loving home — no argument there — thereby enabling you to rest in peace knowing that your ghost will never have to descend upon Hank’s 5th-floor walkup howling, “Birrrrrrds get the munchies tooooooooooo!”

AND, given the legally binding nature of our contract, my boyfriend will have no choice but to welcome the little orphan into our home, deeply moved by the knowledge that I gave a lonely, elderly person peace in their final hours.

So there you have it. I think it’s clear that Option 2 is the way to go here. Bird ownership — and philanthropy, of course — is as close to my reach as a 96-year-old eccentric is to the reapers’. Hopefully there’s a category for this on Craigslist. Those under 90 need not apply, however. I don’t want to wait a whole bunch of years.

*Citation needed.
** Dr. Marvin Schnuchmiller, Birds Get Wicked Old, Yo, 1956

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